I’ve decided to post this on my personal blog and here.
There are so many songs I can’t listen to because of your dumb ass. You’ve ruined music for me because everything that bands and artists sing about are things that you’ve done to me. The lying and the betrayal, the heartbreak, the suicide; everything you’ve done. Making me hate myself and making me believe that I will never be good enough for anyone. You’ve corrupted me. You’ve made me so scared to be close to someone. I thought I was close to you. I thought I’d love you forever. Part of me still does love you but not the person you are now. I love the person you were when we were together. I love the person that was so sweet and so caring, who cared about me more than he cared about himself. I love the person who did whatever he could to protect me. I don’t see that person anymore. I see a pill junkie, a pot head, a man whore. A person who uses other people for his own sick needs. I don’t know who you are nor do I care to ever find out. I would erase your memory if I could. I never knew how horrible you treated me until I meet someone who treated me right. Sure, he’s a pain in the ass and you get mad at each other sometimes. Every couple does that, we did that. The only difference, nevermind there are many differences, but the main difference between you and John is that John treats be right. He takes me out. He pays for my movie ticket and dinner and whatever else. He comes over and visits my family. My family adores him. Sure, they liked you but they love and adore him. My dad trusts us home alone, he shouldn’t but he does. My dad trusts me after everything you put me through with my parents. It’s taken me almost a year to piece back everything you’ve left broken. Now, I know I started this as about music but I just kept typing and I couldn’t stop.
I want my old school ADTR back. I can’t listen to them anymore because it just brings me back to spring break last year. When I was making plans to kill myself because you only texted me to talk about your girlfriend who was much better than me. Apparently not because she left you when you needed her the most. I’m glad you admit that you were wrong, that us breaking up was not my fault in the least. You blamed me for things I had no control over. You couldn’t keep your dick in your pants and went around flirting with my best friend behind my back, while we were dating. I used to have a positive outlook on people when we were together, now I hate everyone because everyone reminds me of the things you did. I can’t look at pale, blonde hair, blue eyed guys without scaring the shit out of myself. I’m scared you’ll show up one day. I avoid places you might be. I can’t stand the thought of you. I’ve ruined everything I’ve held close.
This is my big FUCK YOU. I hope you read this some day. I’m sure it’ll only make you hate me more but you have no reason to hate me. So, bye asshole.
Someone from school just started following me. There are people from school that follow me, yes but this is different. This is someone that just recently pissed me off. Someone who probably shouldn’t even HAVE a tumblr. I don’t want them to see what I post. I don’t trust them enough to have them see what goes on inside my head. I don’t want them to see my rants about them. I wish I could block them but apparently that only means that you can’t see what they post. They can still see what you post.
Maybe I should just make a new Tumblr because now I have to “watch what I say”. That’s not the point of Tumblr. Tumblr is a place where you can pour your heart out and no one have any judgement. I know its not all like that but that’s the why my followers are or most of them. I don’t want the things I post to get around. I still want this to be my own secret place.
It sucks because I was going to rant about them too. Looks like I can’t now.
So Chiana, if you read this. Don’t repeat ANYTHING you see on here to ANYONE. Don’t give out my URL to anyone from school. I don’t post it everywhere for a reason. Thank you and goodbye.
All fucking day my phone hasn’t fucking worked. You have no idea how much I DESPISE my phone. All I ask for is a phone that actually works for once. My dad thinks its so funny that my phone is a piece of shit and his isn’t. News flash, if I’m ever in serious problem and my phone starts to act up, like it most likely will, I’ll be fucked. Its not funny anymore. I NEED a new phone. One that works.
And right now, it won’t let me answer the most important call of my night. Baby is calling and calling and calling and my stupid fucking phone won’t let me answer it. I could smash it right now.
You have no idea how pissed off I am this very second.
For once today was a good day. No fighting, lots of laughing and smiling with Baby. Classes were easy and I have no homework. But the major part of the day was after school. FOR ONCE, drill practice was good. We had fun. I drilled the best I could and I was commemorated for it. We came up with a new section in our routine and we all got along. There wasn’t any yelling or fighting. But I’m honestly afraid this will be the last good drill practice for the next three weeks. Next week we get food though, so that’s good. Still, having a good practice and having fun makes us preform a thousand times better.
My XO convinced me to take DC(dual credit) classes next year. She probably doesn’t realize that that means I’ll be around after school a lot less but whatever. I think I might do it though. It looks amazing on college applications and I need all the help I can get. I’m only taking one DC class and one Honors class next year. Just to test the waters. Then my Senior year if I’m good at it and I can keep it up, I’ll take more. College is something I worry about a lot. I want to get into certain universities. Not just the low grade ones. Universities like FSU, USF, and UCF.
Another good part of my day is finding out that History Fair isn’t due till the 23rd instead of the 14th. I haven’t even started my paper yet.
I have all night to think about what I’m going to do. The rest of my night will consist of watching a good movie, writing a report for PAO, eating and counting down the minutes till Baby gets off work.
You know I like you. Fuck, I might even like you more than I planned. Why do you keep hurting me? Why do you keep making me want to cry with your bullshit remarks and then make me smile with everything you say? I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore… I hate this. Why can’t I be happy? Oh, I know why, because it’s not in my cards. I just wish you’d see what you do to me…
I can’t seem to feel good in clothes anymore. My body isn’t what it used to be. I liked my body then. I was content with it but not anymore. Its changed in ways I can’t stand and no matter what I do I can’t get my old body back. Friday I’m going to try on dresses with Baby. I’m scared none of the dresses I try on will look good or fit. I’ve always had this problem but now I’m even more self conscience. I guess its good I’m going with him because I know he doesn’t care what my body looks like. He loves it anyway, oddly enough.
My appearance isn’t what it used to be either. Some thing about my face has changed. It’s probably gotten chubbier. That’s most likely the problem. So everything pretty much goes back to weight.
Weight seems to be a main problem in girls lives right now. I wish we could be happy with ourselves but only the lucky ones have that luxury.
This is my very first vent. Exciting right? I know.
Well, I decide to make this dispite what my followers told me. I felt like I need a place where I could just write. Write without fear of anyone being offended. This is my place, my safe haven. And once I figure out how to work the submit link, it’ll be your safe haven as well.
This is what the submissions will do: anyone can submit any vent they want. There will be no limitations. You can have your name or URL if you’d like. If you want it anonymous, then I’ll leave it that way. Also, feel free to submit pictures, videos, anything. It doesn’t matter to me as long as you feel better about yourself in the end. I don’t expect anyone to submit anything but it’s there for anyone. Don’t be shy. This isn’t a place to judge. If I find anyone being rude or sending to hate to anyone that submits, you will be blocked. Just a fair warning. I want this to be a good place to go. Please help me accomplish that.
CODE NAMES: Baby- Boyfriend. ‘Rents-parents. Fuckheads-classmates. McRetard- 3rd & 4th hour teacher.
Now, here it goes. Day was a tough day. Finding out we’re going to States was nice to know but that only meant there would be three more weeks of drill practice. Drill practice is literally hell on earth. And to top it off, Baby and I were fighting today. I seemed to piss him off today. My friend comes up to me today and tells me that her and Baby are going to be “study buddies” next year since they are taking the same college classes. In order to understand why this upset me a tad, I’ll give you a story.
Sometimes I walk into the ROTC room and I see her all over him. Not in the “OMG. THAT BITCH IS ALL OVER MY BF!” No, she’s literally ON TOP of him. She just smiles at me and keeps doing it. The part that bugs me the most is that Baby doesn’t do anything about it. He just sits there and watches me, waiting for my reaction. Usually I’ll just walk out of the classroom. He won’t come after me or anything then he wonders why I get so mad.
So yeah, that was my day. Not very exciting but its just me.
Oh and by the way, my name is Kaitlyn. (: